Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic!

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders.

Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check.. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great...... just great.....Some asshole's got my pen."

Semper Fi
Billy Joe

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where women could go to choose --from among many men -- a husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as one ascended up the floors.

The only rule was, once a woman opened the door to any floor, she Must choose a man from that floor and, if you went up a floor, you couldn't
go back down except to leave the place.

A couple of girl friends go to the place to find men. At the first floor, the door had a sign reading: "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say, "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not
loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

The sign on the second floor reads: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmm," say the girls, "but, I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign reads: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up.

The fourth floor sign reads: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me," say the women, "but just think! What could be waiting for us on the top floor!"

So up to the Fifth floor they go -- and the sign on that door said:
"This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping, and have a nice day.

Semper Fi
Billy Joe

Beer Joke
http://members.aol.com/matt999h/beer.htm

Semper Fi
Billy Joe

Why Some Atheletes Can't Have Real Jobs.

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, "Coach, I don't know and I don't care."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye"

Semper Fi
Billy Joe

In light of the French stating that they would Veto any action against Iraq that we may propose before the Security Council of the UN, I thought this email from a US Marine serving in Bosnia would put things in perspective.

A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp Bond Steel (Bosnia)

A French army officer walked up to me in the PX, and told me he thought we (Americans) were a bunch of cowboys and were going to provoke a war. He said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to count on the support of France.

I told him that it didn't surprise me. Since we had come to France's rescue in World War I, World War II, Vietnam, and the Cold War, their ingratitude and jealousy was due to surface at some point in the near future anyway.

That is why France is a third-rate military power with a socialist economy and a bunch of faggots for soldiers.

I additionally told him that America, being a nation of deeds and action, not words, would do whatever it had to do, and France's support was only for show anyway. Just like in ALL NATO exercises, the US would shoulder 85% of the burden, as evidenced by the fact that the French officer was shopping in the American PX, and not the other way around.

He began to get belligerent at that point, and I told him if he would like to, I would meet him outside in front of the Burger King and beat his ass in front of the entire Multinational Brigade East, thus demonstrating that even the smallest American had more fight in him than the average Frenchman. He called me a barbarian cowboy and walked away in a huff.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Mary Beth Johnson Lt.Col, USMC

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE A REAL AMERICAN WOMAN!!!!

Jim and Tim, the Duct Tape Guys, call duct tape, "Homeland Security on a Roll". In fact, they submit that no home is truly secure without duct tape.
In light of the Department of Homeland Security's (DHS) recent advice for Americans to ready themselves for possible chemical and biological warfare strikes, The Duct Tape Guys have put together
this helpful list:

First, we recommend that you start stockpiling duct tape just in case the terrorists get smart and destroy our duct tape manufacturing plants. Therefore, we are issuing a GRAY ALERT! Increase your duct tape from
2.5 rolls in every house to 1.5 rolls in every room of your house.

Use duct tape and plastic sheeting to create an airtight "safe room" in your home. That's what the DHS recommends. If you are going to choose one room of your house to make airtight for three days, Jim suggests the kitchen, "That's where the food is." Tim disagrees. "If you have to hold it for three days you're gonna be in a world of pain! Make your airtight room
the bathroom."

Or, skip the airtight room altogether and make your own biohazard suit by duct taping yourself from head to toe. "We suggest that you duct tape over an old suit or a pair of long johns. Do NOT apply the tape directly to your skin. It's binding, it pinches, and when you remove it you'll also be removing every hair on your body - talk about a world of pain!"

Note: If you want a bright orange biohazard suit like the professionals have, use Duck® brand's X-Factor tape in blaze orange. Women may desire a more feminine look and opt for hot pink duct tape. Or, if you want to hide from evil doers, use camouflage duct tape.

Here's what we recommend if you must leave your home for any reason.
Fill a cardboard tube (like those inside rolls of toilet paper) with hundreds
of duct tape baffles and duct tape this to your face covering your mouth and nose. Make sure the sticky sides of the duct tape baffles are facing away from your mouth. When you inhale, the sticky baffles will filter
the air you are breathing.

You can even become less dependent on foreign oil using duct tape. Just make a big wad of sticky-side-out duct tape on the front bumper of your vehicle. Drive up behind another car going your direction, smack into their back bumper (give them a friendly wave and mouth "sorry") attaching
your car to theirs. Put your vehicle in neutral and turn off your engine.
You'll enjoy fuel economy in the 100s of miles per gallon you'll save, in addition to the satisfaction of knowing you're not blowing through our precious oil supplies.

And, possibly their best suggestion for using duct tape
to secure our homeland: A strip of duct tape
over some key mouths in Washington.

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was immediately attracted to him, and during her questions about is life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, "you must put it in here!" Tarzan removed his loincloth...stepped closer with his huge manhood and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What in the Hell did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees"

Semper Fi
Billy Joe

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied,

"When white man found this land, it was Indians home.

No taxes,
no debt,
plenty buffalo,
plenty beaver,
women did all the work,
medicine man----him free,
Indian man spend day hunting and fishing,
all night having sex."

The chief then leaned back with a sad expresssion on his face---

"White man dumb to think he could improve system like that!"

Semper Fi
Billy Joe

Midget in Texas:

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time.
So he finally went to his doctor and told him what the problem was.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left one and told the midget to turn his head and cough. "Aha!" mumbled the doc, and putting his finger under
the right one, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!", said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side . then snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, so he stared at the ceiling. But he noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his groin area was no longer in any pain. The midget said,
"Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even feel it ... What did you do?"

The Doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

Semper Fi
Billy Joe

Three strangers at a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing
through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch-hand on his way to Fort Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student newly arrived at the Texas oil patch
from the Middle East.

To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout radical Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.

Finally, The Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once, my people were many, now we are few". The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet.".........

Semper Fi
Billy Joe

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I aven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well, we were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poop!"

"It was my first day with the hook."

Semper Fi
Billy Joe